brokaw22

03:54 pm: The Ruler of My World
One of my friends wanted pictures of my cat. This was the easiest way to do that.







Yes, my cat pulled that tissue out of the box to sleep on.

03:59 am: Snow so much snow







The joy of all of this is that in about 4 hours I get to go help my brother dig out the car because he has to be at work extra early because of the Superbowl, which neither of us are interested in. Oh, and my lovely neighbor pushed all of their snow out into the street in front of the car. So, we have to deal with the 20 inches that were on the ground to begin with and the 20 inches he piled on top of that. Thanks buddy...thanks a lot.

04:27 pm: *guttural growl*
He's not supposed to go upstairs. This wasn't supposed to be an issue. What's it to him if I want to keep my curtains closed, light on, and pop bottle next to my chair? It's my fucking room stay the fuck out of it. What is so hard about this concept? Mine not yours fuck off...that all seems rather simple to me. I'm getting ready to chop his damn leg off for him. He has a problem with the way I fold laundry. Sorry, next time I'll just roll it into a ball and throw it at him. Ugh! He's only been here for two days, and I already want to gut him like a fish. Not to mention everything else that's going on.

*sighs* I'll get over it. I always do.

Tags: grandpap woes

01:35 am: It's not worth the pain
I do stupid shit, quite often actually, but I'm pretty sure trusting people is one of my worst qualities. What the fuck was I thinking? People suck...people will always suck. I know this, and yet, here I am. I had just gotten to an okay point in my life. Okay, yeah, so everything was the same normal bullshit, but I wasn't completely miserable. I had my moments when everything was some definition of fine.

Now what do I have? I don't want to talk to 90% of the people I thought I could, and that number is slowly rising. By morning I'll probably only want to talk to my siblings. I guess it's my fault really. I'm the one that says I want the truth, but I think in this instance continuing the lies would have been okay with me. I know better. I know better than to give a damn about people, so why did I do it? Why did I set myself up? I knew this was going to happen. This ALWAYS happens. What the fuck was I thinking?

I'm still considering whether I even want to face people anymore. Apparently they are all about fulfilling their own agendas, and I'm just sick of it. I get that normal people are self serving jerks, but aren't your friends supposed to look past that and just...I don't know...not supposed to do that type of shit?

04:39 am: I'm awful, I know
So, this is my vague and veiled attempt at dealing. Watch it not work at all. My grandfather is still in the hospital. This is the part where people tell me how sorry they are and their hopes for his improved heal, which I hate, because I don't actually know how to respond to that. Anyway, this is also the part where I showcase what a horrible human being I am. Ready for it? Here we go.

I don't care. I don't care that he's in the hospital. I don't care how bad it might be. I don't care if he gets better or not. I don't care about any of it. I don't want to see him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see me. So I don't care about that either. I've considered calling him, seeing him, sending him a card, or any of that other crap. Unfortunately, I realize how fake and useless that would all be. Not to mention that this entire time has been a REALLY nice reprieve from him, and while I know I should pretend to give a damn, I just can't. I'm a much happier person when I'm not around him, and don't have to deal with him.

So, here's what I do care about. How this is going to effect me in the long run, which is horrible, I know. Unfortunately, I don't care about that either. See, my grandfather needs to go to a nursing home for his recovery, but he's a stubborn ass who won't, which means I'll be the one taking care of him. This would not be a problem if he was ANYONE else, but as it stands, he's himself. And he's an ass.

So, yeah, I'm awful, but I've got a theory here. If you want people to care about you maybe you shouldn't treat them like garbage. However, I also know that despite how I'm treated by him I'm supposed to care, and I'm supposed to be nice, and I'm supposed to show some type of emotion here. The thing is, between living with him and my mother, I don't really have many emotions left...at least not that I'm willing to actually show and express.

So, what the hell do I do? Do I pretend to give a damn, and hate myself for it, because I really don't care how awful I am as long as I'm being honest with myself; or do I continue avoiding everything? I mean, I'm great at avoiding...I mean really great...could win an award here, but at some point he's going to come back home, and I'll have to deal with it all at once, which isn't appealing. However, dealing with it now is really really unappealing, so what do I do? Logically I should be taking the less unappealing of the two, but I did say that this pathetic attempt at dealing wouldn't work. So, let's keep with that.

Or, possibly, I should consider just going to bed, given it's after 4:30am and sleep deprivation just isn't the way I remember it from high school. However, I can't do that right now either because in about two hours I have to wake my sister up for school. So, even if this is all just some serious sleep deprivation whine fest it doesn't matter, because I still have to deal, and I still have to wake her up, and I still can't sleep, function, or deal with any of it.

Great...

Tags: grandpap woes

10:43 pm: Please go away
My mother has been here every day since Christmas Eve. I think I'm going to take a drastic measure if she doesn't go away and leave me alone. I'm getting really sick of her being here, and it wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't for the fact that she acts like a college student home from break. She leaves everything everywhere. I can tell what room she's been in because it looks like a tornado hit it. She treats the entire house like it's hers, and I'm getting annoyed. She lectures me on my lack of life while she sits there chowing down on the dinner I made, and clearly she doesn't have a life of her own because she's here. I'm slowly losing it. She's getting on every nerve I have left.

I don't care if she's lonely and that's why she's here. I don't care that she has nowhere else to be. I don't care that we're her children and should deal with her no matter what. I just don't care. I'm pretty sure she has a key to the house, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to find a reason to take her keys and take back the key. I can't deal with this anymore.

03:55 pm: New year...same stuff
I don't normally make resolutions, but this year...no, I'm sticking with that. 2009 was...hard, and 2010 is looking to be...complicated. My grandfather is in the hospital, and I'm still not sure how to feel about that. I don't have all of the details yet on everything, so I think I'm going to reserve judgment, freak outs, and panic until further information has been gathered.

Last night was fun. My brother got home from work just in time to watch the ball drop, and then he went to bed. My mom and youngest sister came over, and a friend called. All in all it was simple, quiet, and like any other day. I enjoyed it.

Here's hoping the new year is good for the rest of you.

03:17 am: Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas people!

And to my sister: Finish your Batman Christmas fic. I need it. It's going so well. Don't call it crap, because it's totally not.

11:38 pm: Friendlist Meme
YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never really clicked, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my flist, so let me know with whom I'm friends! (Feel free to only answer some of them if you like!)

You know you want to.


1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favorite Film:

5. Favorite Song or Album:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?

17. Can we get together and make a cake?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your big weakness?

20. Do you think I'm a good person?

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about me, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Trousers or skirts?

26. Cigarettes or alcohol?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

08:11 pm: Something's wrong here
Okay, so I just got this message from one of the people on fanfiction.net who reads my stuff for some unknown reason.

Subject: Awww

You haven't commented on my new chapter. :( I was looking forward for yours the most.

So, when did I become like important? When did my opinion start meaning something to people? But most importantly, how do I get it to stop? I just find this odd, especially since I don't actually consider my writing to be, you know, good. I'm just truly perplexed right now.

06:44 pm: This being awake thing
Okay, so besides being sick. I woke up at stupid o'clock today. There was no reason to be awake as early as I was, and of course I couldn't go back to sleep because I'm just not built that way. You'd think that meant that I got more done today since I was awake so early. No, not at all. I still have a pile of pots and pans waiting to be washed, and clearly, I've been avoiding that. It's like they're mocking me every time I go into the kitchen to get a cup of tea. It's bothering me, but not enough to go in there and wash them, so what does that say about me? I think I'm rambling now. I know better than to type when sick.

06:08 pm: It's all so odd
I'm wondering when the hell my life got so weird. My grandfather is sitting there having an in depth conversation with my cat, and I'm a little afraid to ask if she responds to him. He also just offered her coffee from his cup. We're just going to ignore the fact that he's taken over our coffee maker and we aren't allowed to touch it. I'm not really sure why the cat likes him so much. She sitting on his lap licking herself, and all he does is talk about how much he doesn't like the cat. Why do I not believe that? Not even a little bit.

Tags: grandpap woes

11:18 pm: Yay it's over
I'm excited. I finished my nanowrimo. Okay, well, that's not entirely accurate. I still have a lot more to write before the story is done, but I made my 50,000 words, so hey, there's something, right? I'm so happy it's over. This year went so much better than last year. I totally believe in the power of an outline, and someone yelling at you to write. That's especially important on the days where you just don't feel like it. Thanks Ri!

Tags: nanowrimo, writing

12:11 am: Cat food...no seriously
Okay, so a couple nights ago my house exploded in screaming and yelling and everyone was driven from the house in under five minutes due to a massive fight about...wait for it...yes, that's right...cat food. My grandfather started screaming and swearing and throwing a fit because someone, who wasn't him, fed the cat--the cat which isn't even his, may I add. The next night he claimed that this fight happened because his blood sugar was low, and okay, yeah, I can almost believe that. Except for that whole bit where he's nuts and this is just totally like him. All I know is that I'm staying out of crazy's way for a couple of days.

Sadly, due to the fact that I've been avoiding him like the plague my nanowrimo has taken a backseat. I ended up falling like 3000 words behind, but tonight, despite the fact that my mother was over here tonight--which is never a good thing for my writing--I managed to catch up, so I'm happy about that.

This week in general has just been a crap week, but then again weeks that start with you locking yourself out of your bedroom, and having to use a butter knife to get back in kinda just set a standard for the rest of the week to suck.

I'm going over my dad's house for Thanksgiving, so here's hoping that it's quiet and uneventful...like that one year.

Tags: grandpap woes, nanowrimo, writing

10:40 pm: Today is ugh
Today has just been a day of hardcore suck-age. It started with my bedroom door, somehow, locking me out, and it's just been one thing after another all day. I got the door opened with a butter knife, but that's beside the point. I went out with my sister today and we were having a good time until she got a phone call that upset her, and she can never just get upset at the thing that upset her and then move on. Once she gets into a bad mood she stays in that bad mood and takes it out on everyone else around her. My grandfather has been...well, himself. Not to mention that for some reason that I have yet to discern my mother is here.

She called earlier when we were out to whine, and I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone, so apparently she thought it would be a good idea to show up her. Her presence alone makes this day considerably worse. I don't understand why she's here. She whines that we don't want to spend time with her, which we don't. She comes over, and we avoid her, and then she whines more. I have this theory that if you're in a place full of people who don't like you and you can easily leave and stop going to said place then you should do so. I'm so sick of listening to her whining. I don't care that we hurt her feelings. Maybe she should have thought about that before.

Maybe on a day where everything doesn't seem like just one more thing to add to my list of reasons why I wish I never got out of bed I'd feel differently, but I doubt it. I'm just so sick of everything right now.

08:48 pm: You Will Be Assimilated!
Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."

• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions

From dragonbat2006:

( Answers )

04:00 am: The beginning
I started my nanowrimo at like 1am. I've already surpassed my word count for today, so I'm off to a good start. I really like how this is shaping up so far. Let's hope I can keep it up for the whole month. Good luck to everyone else who is participating this year!

Tags: nanowrimo, writing

05:21 pm: Bad Idea!
So, because we were getting new carpets in today my room was empty starting yesterday, which meant I had nowhere to sleep. My solution to this dilemma was to just not go to sleep. BAD CHOICE! I literally stayed up all night. I got to watch the sun rise...kinda pretty...but that didn't really make up for the sleep deprivation. See, the original plan was to be up and gone before the lovely instillation started, therefore, I could have just slept in the car--it's not like I'm the driver. Unfortunately, that didn't pan out. They showed up almost an hour early, so I ended up going upstairs to my sister's room, climbing into a chair, and sleeping for two hours--or at least tried to. Between the noise they were making and my sister's phone ringing endlessly I got maybe two hours of sleep (that counts the entire time from when I laid down to when I finally gave up).

I know what you're thinking. 'Okay, so, why aren't you sleeping now?' Well, that's simple in order to get through the day without killing someone I got to enjoy quite a bit of caffeine. Plus, my room still has nothing in it...well, that's not entirely true...it does have carpet. *SIGHS* 

06:02 pm: I'm excited
So, I have an outline type thing for my nanowrimo, which is really exciting because I never have anything close to that. In fact, last year I started with a single line and that was it. I can't wait. I'm really anticipating a good nanowrimo.

Tags: nanowrimo, writing

11:48 pm: Idea well is dry
Nanowrimo is approaching, and I have no idea what to write. Any suggestions? I'm good with people just putting anything out there.

Tags: nanowrimo, writing

09:30 pm: It's all irrelevant
I miss the silence. I miss when it was just my siblings and I doing our thing, and getting by. I miss when the only fights were about Jenn helping out more. I miss when I slept decently. I miss when everything was simpler. I miss when everything worked.

We got by. We survived. We weren't happy. We're never happy, but we weren't completely miserable. Things were okay. I mean, really okay. We were doing FINE!

And then he moved in and everything went to sucking far worse than any of us have the capacity to handle. He starts fights, and then acts like he doesn't understand what he did wrong. He talks excessively about NOTHING. Every sentence...every word...every syllable out of his mouth is irrelevant. Not a single phrase uttered from his mouth is about anything but himself. And to top it all off, the man is stupid. He thinks that he's acting logical, but he's not. There isn't a single thought process going on up there. I'm sure of it. He's just so...incompetent. I don't know how he's survived this long.

I'm getting really fed up with the stupidity, the ridiculous notion that I'm supposed to give a damn because he's...whatever he is, and his inability to just SHUT UP!

Tags: grandpap woes

07:06 pm: Yay more crap to deal with
Okay, I don't think anyone who knows me would mistake me for being close with my dad. I mean, I certainly don't hate the guy. I just...don't have a relationship with him. We're like well known acquaintances. Our feelings for each other really don't go any deeper than that.

That being said, lately he's been having memory problems, and that isn't good. Yes, you can say people forget things some times, and it's no big deal, but earlier this week he called his girlfriend, and told her, "I can't fix anything because I don't remember how." This is his job...the thing he's been doing ALL of his adult life. He was forced to take a personal day on Monday.

Not to mention, his memory (when it comes to things he cares about) is amazing. Last year my sister got lost in Canada. She called my dad, and he gave her street by street directions from memory. The last time I called him about directions to something he lived by he couldn't remember any street names or anything.

This worries me, and not just because of the obvious. My grandfather (his dad) died of Alzheimer's. We took care of him well past the point we should have--all the way into the incontinence and not being able to feed himself stage. He didn't move to a home where there were people who could take care of him right until he had a stroke, and spent the last remaining months of his life completely unaware of what was going on around him, until he died of sepsis.

I know that this could be nothing. It could be that he's not sleeping, or he's stressed and its affecting his memory, but that really doesn't make me feel any better about this--for a lot of reasons--but mainly because memory problems exist on both sides of my family. In a lot of ways.

My mom has been slowly losing it for a while now. She doesn't sleep right, she's always stressed, and she doesn't eat well. She was in a car accident about a year ago, and her existing memory problems and forgetfulness has gotten so much worse. Her judgment skills (if she ever had any) have depleted considerably. She calls me to tell me when she has appointments or whatever because she can't remember and can't handle getting herself there. This wouldn't really be a problem if we lived together, but I don't even know how she's functioning from day to day.

Then there's the fact that her mother also had Alzheimer's, and her dad is just plain nuts. He does incredibly crazy things. The latest of which was getting on a bus to Maryland yesterday (four hour trip) without telling anyone, then just calling my uncle to pick him up at the greyhound station. He was extremely lucky that my uncle was even home. 

My dad's mom also had dementia and was kinda not all there when she finally died of stomach cancer.

I don't want to take care of my parents. I don't feel I still have the mental capacity to deal with my parents...not anymore. I don't want to go through what my siblings and I had to with my grandparents. I just don't think any of us can keep our sanity if we do.

I'm also worried about my siblings and myself. My grandparents weren't affected until they were in their 70's, but my dad's only 51. What if it affects us earlier? I know they're coming out with new drugs all the time, and all of that crap, but I don't want to lose my mind. My mind is really all I've got, and I'm not trying to be melodramatic here, just realistic.

11:18 pm: Mp3 player woes
So, it's still under the warranty...yay. However, I have to mail the damn thing to them. That really doesn't sound like it should be a big deal, but I know my post office. The sheer fact that the shipping label is bigger than the thing I'm trying to ship will probably be a problem.

01:23 am: UGH!
I'm so mad about my Zune mp3 player just deciding the touch pad wasn't going to work anymore. If you were ever planning on buying a Zune DON"T! I can't believe Microsoft would put a product on the market that is so riddled with bugs.

02:34 am: The oddest message ever

Subject: Hey dude
 
I just wanted to commend you on your writing. I think you're a really cool
writer and you capture the bond between Dick and Tim pretty neatly. Anyway,
I'm working on my first Batman fic. If you're curious to see what the ideas
are, it's on my profile. Plaese tell me what you think, help out a fellow
fanfirl. :D Thank you.

That would not be nearly as odd if it wasn't the second one I've gotten like that. Makes me want to inform people there are better writers out there.

07:25 pm: Oh China
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2009/09/20/chinese-butter-bridge-hinders-jumpers/

I want to talk to the person who came up with that idea...really now.

Tags: funlinks

12:04 pm: Why was he put on this earth?
Ugh, why was my grandfather not given an actually functioning brain. No, I'm not going to wake up my siblings because you decided that something that doesn't need to be done right this second does. "Well, I want to get rid of as many of these coats as we can." "Okay, so you want to get rid of our winter coats right before winter." "Well, you aren't wearing them." "That's because it isn't cold." "Well, if you aren't wearing them then there's no point in having them." "But I will be wearing them when it gets cold." "But you're not wearing them now."

And to top of the crazy I walked away. I put on my headphones and just walked away, and he was still yelling. I was in the living room he was upstairs and he was still talking/yelling to himself.

He wonders why we avoid him like the fucking plague. The moment any of us sees him he starts acting like an immature asshole. "None of you are ever around. You spend all day in your rooms." DUH! Why would I willingly spend time with someone who makes me so incredibly miserable. No one likes him...hell, his mother didn't even like him, and this isn't some big shock either.

Here's a thought, instead of bitching about the fact that none of us are ever around make an attempt to be nicer and see if that changes things. 78 years...how the hell did he make it 78 years without someone smacking his head against something hard repeatedly? He's such a miserable old bastard! And I'll admit I'm a miserable bitch, but I usually keep it contained to just making myself more miserable. I don't take it out on everyone else that I suck at life. I'm so frustrated with living right now.

Tags: grandpap woes

04:58 pm: Bored
http://brokaw22.mybrute.com


Tags: funlinks, mybrute

01:10 am: This just in...
My grandfather told my younger sister that I'm mean and miserable because I won't let him in my room, and I won't let him wash down my walls. He keeps missing the point that if he washes my walls down with bleach--like he plans--I will have an asthma attack, and I REALLY don't want to play hospital. I just don't consider that a good time.

Besides, he has an entire house he can go crazy OCD bleach happy cleaning on. Why is it such a horrible travesty to leave my room alone? Yes, it's nice I'm getting a new carpet, and my floor is FINALLY getting fixed, but it really isn't worth the pain and agony that I have to go through. I'm just so tired of dealing with this.

Tags: grandpap woes

03:04 pm: Heavy lifting part 2 (also known as: kill me!)
Lifting ridiculously heavy furniture...fine. Lifting ridiculously heavy furniture while my grandfather stands over me making me want to drop said heavy object on top of him...not so fine. He wasn't actually helping. He wasn't actually doing anything other than make my life more difficult. I don't understand his crazy need to know everything that I'm doing. I went out yesterday, and you'd think I committed a crime or something.

Today, I told him not to worry about cleaning my walls. I told him that I would do it myself, and he threw a fit. You'd think I punched him in the face or something. Dear fucking god! I swear, I will never understand the stupidity that I live with. He's upset because I don't want his help, but that's just because his help isn't really help at all. Cutting my own foot off would be more productive and less painful than having his 'help'.

I moved my desk--and while it wasn't nearly as heavy as that piano--it was still no light weight. I moved the big heavy ridiculous metal cabinet thing--that totally didn't need to be as heavy as it was--and everyone involved in that move got it dropped on their foot. Totally, not my fault, but I still feel bad for Jenn, Charlie, my own foot. I also moved the damn square table, which was light, but totally awkward. And what the hell? Why did the stupid square table only fit in my room, and my brother's room? I got it out of my room with little to no problem, after that everything sucked. The original plan was to take it up to the attic until after the carpet was put in, but it wouldn't fit through the doorway, so I was going to put it in the office, but it didn't fit through that doorway either. And then it barely fit through my brother's doorway. Really, it's just more reason why I hate this house.

Tags: grandpap woes