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Fic: Gnomes Are Evil Chapter Four

Title: Gnomes Are Evil
Author: Brokaw22
Disclaimer: The norms
Rating: T
Story Synopsis: Damian has a great distaste for a certain type of lawn ornament.
Thanks to Kathy for the beta work.

Previous Chapters: Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three

Damian huffed to himself as he waited for the others to get back with Zatanna. Apparently, there was a certain magic user running around Gotham who had taken offense to what the others had dubbed as ‘Damian’s episode’. The others were being fools. After all, he was merely putting an end to an increasingly infuriating problem. He still didn’t appreciate the way that the new gnome -- which Grayson had named David II -- was staring at him, and if he wasn’t currently trapped in the body of an identical garden decoration, Damian would definitely have taken a batarang to the irritating smile on the other lawn ornament’s face.


Dick wasn’t exactly sure how to explain Damian’s current predicament to Zatanna. After all, it wasn’t every day that a magic user turned a boy into a garden gnome as punishment for attacking other lawn decorations…even in Gotham. Hell, he wasn’t even sure how to explain Damian’s episode. He just hoped that David II was keeping the boy company while the rest of them tried to figure out how to turn him back.


Tim hadn’t planned on any wayward magic when he had started messing with Damian, but after returning from replacing all of the gnomes Damian had ruined, it was hard for him not to laugh at the kid’s recent quandary. After all, only Damian ever seemed to have these kinds of problems. Tim did have to admit that he enjoyed the silence. It was definitely a nice change of pace, and it was nice not having to deal with Damian’s constant derogatory comments. Tim was half tempted to suggest that they leave Damian in his current state, but he also didn’t look forward to explaining that to Bruce, so here he was, and with any luck Bruce would never find out that his youngest son was transfigured into a pointy hat-wearing lawn embellishment.


Jason was only here because Alfred requested that he go with the other two, and no one…not even the Bat himself refuses Alfred. That said, watching the kid suddenly transform into a two foot high gnome was definitely the highlight of his day. However, that didn’t make up for having to deal with Dickie-bird’s friends, especially when Zatanna kept trying to imply that this was somehow his fault just because the demon spawn had stolen his guns. He did his job. He told the kid no. What else did this woman want from him?


When they returned to the garden, Damian was right where they had left him, not that Dick had expected any less. Alfred was still upset with the boy over his treatment of David I, and as such was allowing Damian some quality time out in the garden with David II. Of course, Alfred claimed that the boy could use some sun, but Dick could tell it was Alfred’s own brand of punishment. Dick’s thoughts were interrupted the moment that he heard Zatanna laughing, and he turned to see her covering her mouth while staring directly at Damian. “Why are you laughing? We told you about his current state.”

Zatanna tried to compose herself, but kept snickering every few seconds. “No, Dick, you told me he had been changed into a garden gnome. However, you neglected to mention his over exaggerated scowl or the fact that his little arms are crossed in the most petulant way I’ve ever seen. Not to mention, those adorably red cheeks that go quite well with his darker skin tone.”

Dick huffed out a breath, and ignored the way that Zatanna was practically fawning over his little brother. “It’s okay, little D. I brought someone to keep you company while Zatanna figures this out.” Dick leaned down and placed a ceramic gorilla holding a welcome sign next to David II. “This is Gregory. Isn’t he adorable?”


Damian would have leapt up and smashed that stupid looking gorilla right into the magician’s face, if he was able to move. However, as it stood, all Damian could do was glare at the two of them, but mostly just the gorilla, given that he couldn’t move his head at all. His only hope was that the newly christened Gregory would fall over or one of the other buffoons would knock it off of its pedestal. Damian wished he could inform the others of how put upon he was. The obnoxious laughter from the woman and Grayson’s crooning over the new garden ornament was grating on his nerves. Their behavior was preposterous and certainly wasn’t aiding the attempt to return him to normal in the least. He swore that when he was no longing in this state, the first thing that he was going to do was break Gregory into a thousand pieces as vengeance.


Tim wasn’t sure if he was seeing things or not, but he could swear that Damian looked like he was staring daggers at the new addition to the garden. He honestly wasn’t sure if Damian had a grudge against all garden embellishments or if it was just the ones that Dick named, but he vowed to keep the new gnomes and gorilla safe from Damian’s wrath. After all, he really didn’t feel like spending another hour trying to sooth Dick before convincing him that it really was okay to simply replace David and the others.


Jason grew bored with Zatanna’s chortling at Damian and Dick’s cooing at Gregory the gorilla pretty easily, and decided to head inside. He figured now was as good as time as any to track down some of Alfred’s cookies. He could have sworn he smelled them baking when he walked through the Manor earlier. He was just reaching into the cookie jar when he heard a distinctive throat clearing behind him. “You always manage to catch me with my hand in the cookie jar, don’t you, Alf?”

Jason turned to see Alfred standing as prim and proper as always in the doorway of the kitchen. “It certainly seems that way, Master Jason. I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that those are your favorite. Assuming you still prefer oatmeal peanut butter cookies.”

Jason smiles in a way that he hasn’t in years. “You know I do.”

“I assume your errand with the others has proven successful.”

Jason shrugs. “Well, we brought Zatanna back, but I don’t know how it’s going on the whole returning Damian to a real boy front.”

Alfred nods once. “Very well, sir. I believe the den needs my attention. Might I suggest only partaking of a few of those while I’m gone? You wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite.”

Jason sighs as he snags two cookies from the jar. He was hoping to just grab them and go, but clearly Alfred expects him for dinner, and again, no one defies Alfred. Oh, well, he was sure attempting to return Damian would be entertaining at least. Besides, he saw the way the boy glared at that ceramic gorilla. Surely, he could have some fun before Bruce returned.


Tim didn’t know why Jason insisted that Damian needed another gorilla to keep him company, but they’ve been getting along quite well recently, so he went along with it, and if that happened to concern Dick so be it. It wasn’t as though there was anything the two of them could do back at the Manor anyway. Zatanna said she would need some time to figure out how to change Damian back, which left Tim and Jason with an almost unlimited amount of time to…do whatever it was that Jason had planned.

“So, what exactly are we doing here, Jason?” Tim nudged him as they made their way through the mall.

Jason smirked evilly. “I was here a couple of days ago and saw something that would go great with Gregory.”

Tim was about to ask what when Jason suddenly stopped dead, and grabbed Tim’s sleeve, before dragging him in the other direction. He was just about to ask what the hell that was all about when Jason picked up a bright mauve colored gorilla statue. Tim grinned to himself as an even better thought crossed his mind. Yes, this could end up being quite fun. “You know, there’s a Build-A-Bear Workshop around here. I bet we could find Damian a matching sweater. After all, it might get cold out in the garden.”

Jason’s smirk only grew even more mischievous. “I knew there was a reason I brought you, replacement.”


Dick didn’t understand why it was taking Zatanna so long to change Damian back. She said it was a simple spell, but apparently there was something about Damian’s emotional state that was making it difficult to return him to normal. Dick had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but he figured he could keep his little brother company. At least, until he had to go out on patrol. He was in the middle of telling Damian all about where he had gotten Gregory when Jason and Tim can stumbling into the garden with both of their arms full of bags from various places, and Dick was sure that he saw more than a few from the Build-A-Bear Workshop. “What do you two have there?”

Tim glanced at Jason before they both burst out into laughter, and Dick was torn between being happy his younger brothers were getting along and being concerned. Tim nudged Jason. “Go on, show him.”

Jason shrugged off the young boy and beamed at Dick with a nocuous smile, before pulling something out of one of the bags and holding it up for Dick to inspect. “We thought you could name her.”

Jason passed Dick the magenta colored gorilla, and Dick practically started jumping up and down. “Oh, you got Gregory a girlfriend. You two should name her. You found her.”

Tim and Jason merely laughed before shaking their heads. “Nu-uh, naming is your thing, Dickie-bird. Besides, we’ve got far more entertaining things to do.” Jason’s gaze pointedly fell on Damian, and Dick was nearly certain that he should be worried now.

“Why? What do you mean?”

Tim’s grin was so wide, and it struck Dick as odd that he hadn’t seen the boy this happy in quite some time. “Don’t worry, there won’t be any physical harm…at least, I don’t think.”

Dick watched from his seat on the ground as the two of them started rummaging through the various bags. After a long moment, Jason let out a whoop of success before pulling out a tiny version of the original Robin suit. “Found it!”

Dick glanced between the two of them before turning his attention back to Damian. “You guys are awesome.”

Jason laughed manically. “Oh, there’s more…trust me, there’s more.”


Damian swore that if he was in his own body, he would bite off their fingers. It was bad enough that he had to listen to Grayson drone on for hours about nothing…chattering about that incessant gorilla, but now he had to suffer through the three of them dressing him up and taking pictures, all while he was forced to stare at the most repulsive looking gorilla statue he had ever had the misfortune of lying eyes on.

Damian sneered as much as he could as they continued to change him into and out of different outfits. The original Robin costume was its own special kind of torture, but the thing that really infuriated him was the bubblegum pink cheerleading outfit they had wrenched him into. Now he was dressed in a tiny facsimile of the original Batgirl suit, which only furthered his sore mood. One thing was for sure, though, this indignation would not go unpunished.


Bruce arrived home from a long day of board meetings to an utterly silent house, which was beyond worrisome. He knew that Jason had been spending more and more time here lately, and as such the house was rarely quiet. He passed through the empty den to the kitchen where Alfred was chopping vegetables. “Where are they?” Bruce almost didn’t want to know, but they’re his children, and therefore his responsibility.

Alfred didn’t pause in his work. “I believe the boys are still in the garden.”

It was then that Bruce realized there was quite a bit of laughter coming from outside. It was a foreign sound, which made him wonder what they had gotten themselves into this time. When he walked outside, Bruce was genuinely confused to see two gnomes, one dressed in a mini purple ninja costume, and two gorilla statues. Dick, Tim, and Jason were surrounding the gnome dressed as a ninja and all of them were doubled over with their laughter. “Where’s Damian?”

All three of them abruptly stopped chuckling and turned to face Bruce. He wasn’t sure why Dick and Tim looked so startled by his appearance, but Jason’s trademark smirk was in place as he pointed a thumb in the direction of the ninja clad gnome. “You’re looking at him.” Jason broke out into more uncontrollable giggles, clutching his stomach, as he folded in on himself once again. “Ha, you should see your face, B-man.”

Bruce ignored him in favor of glaring down Dick, who could never lie to him. “Is this true?”

Dick rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Um, yeah.”

Bruce clenched his eyes shut for a second before grinding out, “Explain.”

Dick glanced at Tim, whose head was bowed, and Jason, who was still laughing at them. “Well…um…you know…magic.”

Bruce ground his teeth together. “Dick, why is my son a garden gnome?” It was a sentence Bruce never thought he would ever utter…not even in Gotham.

Before Dick could stammer out an explanation, Jason abruptly stood. “Because he’s not old enough to be a gargoyle.”

Everyone was silent for exactly one minute before Tim, Dick, and Jason all burst out into laughter once again. Bruce rolled his eyes before turning on his heel to go back inside. He did have to admit, however, that his assassin raised son made a convincing garden gnome--minus the scowl, of course. Nevertheless, Bruce was also starting to reconsider leaving all of his sons home when he went on week long business trips to Japan.

The End